the thunder crept closer
sweet release of sleep ahead like
a reward for the company

yet even my escape
stays within my cage
i can't escape
with the memory following
into my dreams

can i be honest?
if so, do i know?
i've forgotten the truth perhaps

backseat
backburner
out of sight out of mind
i hope so at least.

that's not my lover, that's not even my friend.

this is just more my speed anyway.  sure it's similar, but hey, if it's not broke...


mmm...lazy sunday afternoons.  me gusta mucho.

Return often and take me,
Beloved sensation, return and take me -
When memory of the body awakens,
And old desire again runs through the blood;
When the lips and skin remember,
And the hands feel as if they touch again.
                               C. P. Cavafy, Return

"It is as if God were saying, 'What I am is all that need matter to you, for there lie your hope and your peace.  I will do what I will do, and it will all come to light at last, but how I do it is My secret.  Trust Me, and be not afraid.'"

Let Him lead thee blindfold onwards,
   Love needs not to know;
Children whom the Father leadeth
   Ask not where they go.
Though the path be all unknown,
Over moors and mountains lone.
                            Gerhard Tersteegen

daddy's ghost behind you
sleeping dog beside you
youre a poem of mystery
youre the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
youre the voice that i like
needlework and seedlings
in the way youre walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
-sam beam

a sudden, heavy chill rests in my chest and on my back, weighing heavier with each passing fall day.  nearing the winter that presses me down; blankets folded tightly in the attic.  sudden memories of things ive never known, and in the darkness i trace my fingers over the worn letters; recognizing songs ive never heard, but whose tune ive  whispered to myself on the days my mind wandered across the mountains. 
_______

love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
love is the dream you enter
though i shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-sam beam

so i had this really weird dream last night.  i dreamt that stuart had previously dated princess di and i was really intimidated by this (nevermind the skewed time line).  this discovery took place in a very altered landscape.  it was like a movie, with special filters so that the hills were red and the sky was an overcast white.  we were at a broken-down ruin of a house, talking.

then i was at my aunt's house and there was a litter of kittens (very much a recurring theme in my dreams).  i came back and all but two had been sold and i was sad that i hadnt gotten to play with them.  one of them was a vivid gray tabby with white patches.  she had a very angular, egyptian face.  the other was a small orange tabby; unremarkable and unwanted because he was the last of the younger kittens to leave.  (the gray tabby was older and had gotten to that lanky stage). 

the dream ended with cake and being in space.  something had gone horribly wrong with the spaceship and we (i dont know who, but there were others) were slowly drifting into empty space with no way to get back home.  it was a very helpless feeling of danger.  throw in some reproduction seventies modern styling for the interior of the spaceship (all randomly encased in clear plastic bubbles) and you have my dream.

i have hives.  i havent had hives since i was about three and that was from a certain blue dye in a certain little sailor dress.  it's horrible...and i cant take off work today or tomorrow.  the nurse said itll take a few days for it to go away but as it is, its getting worse.  i even have it on my palms!  though the ones inbetween my toes are the most uncomfortable.  my face looks like i got a bad sunburn on top of some not-so-flattering swelling.  turns out i'm allergic to penicillin...the medicine ive been taking for a week to get over my strep throat.

it hasnt been a fun week.

i'm almost unreachable via internet.  call me if you want to talk, otherwise dont expect a reply within two weeks.  so yeah...have fun.